am i capable of love?

i don’t know when it happened, when i stopped believing in love. it isn’t even that i don’t believe in it anymore. maybe just not for me? 

i know it exists, i see it every day. i see it in my sisters and their significant others. i see it in my friends with theirs. i wonder if that is for me too or if I've lost that opportunity. 

i think maybe it isn't for me, at least not in a romantic way. i wish it was, but it doesn't feel like it is in the cards for me. 

i feel love in other ways. i think that instead of romantic love i may only be destined to feel love from my female friendships. 

kind of cynical to say, that i am undeserving of love. it’s not that i am undeserving but maybe just no longer capable, trusting enough to have someone. 

my female friendships fulfill me enough i think. i obviously don’t get the same affection and attention from them as i would from a romantic love but i will take what i can get. 

i think I've always known that my friendships will be the most important relationships in my life, maybe that is part of my issue. I'm not opening myself up enough to allow a romantic love into my life. 

my sisters and my friends love me so much, but is it enough anymore? i yearn for someone to want me. someone to think i am pretty, funny, sexy, someone who wants to be around me without feeling annoyed. 

it’s a fairly basic want, but feels unachievable for me. i can’t picture someone loving or wanting me in that way. 

I've made myself useful to men with my body, but that is all they want from me. sometimes that is all i want from them too, but there is a nagging voice in the back of my head wanting more. at what point is it ok to ask for more? will i forever just be useful for a night? my only loves being platonic? 

what do i need to do to accept that i may not ever have a love like the ones i read about, or see in others? is there a way to have my body be useful without feeling used? is it possible for anybody to want me for more than a night?